One of two issues related to aging parents frequently affect adult children. Sometimes parents are fiercely independent, refusing assistance from any and all sources while attempting to maintain as much of their former lifestyle as they can.
Some parents may lean in the opposite direction, such as when they place unreasonable demands on you or when your aging mother demands constant attention. So what do you do if your mother demands your attention constantly? Most likely, you’ve already made every effort to be present.
What’s going on, why does your elderly parent (or parent) constantly demand attention, and what can you do about it?
What Attention Seeking Behavior Looks Like?
There are many ways to seek attention. The most obvious manifestation is when elderly people request your time with them frequently and become upset if you can’t accommodate them.
Even worse, your parent may follow you around the house or demand that you interact with them constantly while you’re there. If you share a home with them, it may seem as though you never have a moment of peace.
Some parents may draw attention to themselves all the time, though. This might involve trying to “beat” any stories you tell, constantly making up drama, slandering, and grumbling. They essentially want everything to revolve around them.
Why Does An Elderly Mother Seek Constant Attention?
There are many different reasons why older parents seek attention. When your elderly parent is seeking attention, they may occasionally discuss their motivations with you, but other times, you’ll need to try to think through some scenarios and, if possible, address those. Additionally, this is a good time to use our checklist for aging parents to start some preliminary planning.
Memory Problems
As people age, dementia cases rise. Alzheimer’s disease and dementia are frightening, perplexing conditions that can make people more tense and irritable. A constant need for attention may be a contributing factor in your parent’s memory issues if they suffer from cognitive impairment.
It’s possible that your parent has forgotten what they requested from you an hour ago. Even though your parent isn’t to blame, the endless repetition of the same requests can drive you crazy. Your mother might not recall the question she asked.
Personality Features
It’s unlikely that your parent’s attention-seeking behavior will improve as they age if anything, it might even get worse if they were a demanding parent. All of the changes that come with aging make worse what might have been a manageable situation earlier. When old disputes and other related issues resurface and get worse than ever, you might be surprised.
Anxiety and Fear
Anxiety and fear can be inflated by losing autonomy and control, becoming more dependent on others, and worrying about money. In times of fear, people seek reassurance, which can manifest as attention-seeking.
Loneliness
An important health issue is loneliness among older adults. Social isolation can cause loneliness, which ups the risk for dementia, depression, and other mental health issues. Your parent may have progressively isolated themselves over time without your knowledge.
A parent who demands constant attention is frequently lonely and seeking your company. Look for these signs and changes that your parent may be suffering from loneliness:
- Your parent is no longer a driver. Your parent might become lonely if they are unable to participate in activities, attend social gatherings, or even carry out basic errands like shopping.
- The friends of your parent are gone. Your parent might have moved to assisted living or a nursing home, lost friends to death, or both.
- No family members pay your parent a visit. You are, after all, busy. Before you know it, a week has passed without you paying your parent a visit. The most significant contact they have could be with you and your family.
- Your parent is no longer physically capable. Mobility loss, for example, can limit their range of motion and lead to confinement.
Loss of Independence and Autonomy
Your elderly parent may become needy and attention-seeking if they are losing their autonomy and independence. The constant need for your attention is a tactic used to exert control and get your approval.
Losing autonomy and independence can be devastating to deal with as people get older. Look for these signs that your parent is losing their independence:
- They’re becoming more and more reliant on you and other family members for maintenance and household duties.
- They are unable to take care of themselves by shopping, visiting the doctor, or participating in their favorite activities because of chronic medical conditions.
- Their capacity to converse and form social connections is constrained by poor vision and hearing.
- Memory issues make it more difficult for the person to make decisions and depend on you and other family members.
- One way to connect with someone is by calling repeatedly.
What to Do If An Elderly Mother Wants Constant Attention?
Engage With People
Numerous studies have shown how loneliness affects elderly people in a variety of ways. In later life, loneliness can affect one’s mental and physical health. But even so, no child is able to fully assume the burden of providing their elderly parents with ongoing care.
Older people tend to make friends with people their own age, according to research. Are there any neighborhood gatherings for senior citizens? Does she have any senior neighbors with whom she could socialize?
“Positive relationship participants typically experience less impact from daily issues and have a greater sense of control and independence. People without relationships frequently experience isolation, rejection, and depression. People who are stuck in bad relationships frequently lack the motivation to change, develop and maintain negative perceptions of themselves, and find life to be less satisfying.” 1994 by Hanson and Carpenter.
A number of widows make Sunday lunch for one another where I live by trading off. Is there social care that provides supervised days out or trips away? The elderly can visit senior clubs in some communities for tea and conversation.
Lack of motivation is one sign of loneliness, so it may be up to you to find these activities and motivate your elderly mother to take part.
Involve Her in Family Occasions
It’s possible that your elderly mother feels neglected and craves constant attention. Our families and society value us less as we get older. Turning invisible, we smear into the background. Nobody is interested in our advice or requests our opinions. To live there is to be alone.
We all know that old saying ‘treat people as you want to be treated yourself‘. Imagine feeling helpless and lonely as you age and burdened by your family. It’s soul-destroying, but we all get older, and one day you’ll be where your mother was at her senior age.
Perhaps your spouse will pass away before you, your friends, and everyone else. What a miserable life. Your elderly mother may be dealing with something similar. Be gracious, understanding, and inclusive. Why not include her in special family occasions like Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries? You could also plan to call her frequently or plan to invite her out for brunch once a month.
Explain Your Life to Her
Your elderly mother may want constant attention because she believes you could spend the day with her instead of doing nothing. We all assume that other people’s lives are similar to our own. In other words, when we leave work, we are all exhausted and busy. However, older people are more free-spirited than we are. They frequently assume that we are available to take calls at all hours of the day. Alternatively, we could stop everything and visit them.
Show your elderly mother how much free time you have by walking her through a typical day. Inform them that you are working or watching the kids during the day, so they cannot call. Her perspective might shift once she sees your reality. Make it clear that you aren’t ignoring her; you are simply moving on with your life.
Tell her that you couldn’t be with her every minute of the day. You have a family of your own. That doesn’t mean you don’t care about her; however, you can let her know when you are available.
You can schedule times for a regular phone call or visit if you have children or a job that prevents your elderly mother from taking up all of your free time. Tell her about your duties and how you allocate your time. After that, devise a schedule that pleases both of you.
Employ a Caregiver
My elderly neighbor is a solitary individual who doesn’t have any relative close by. I take her shopping once a week so that she can be independent.
Additionally, I have looked into the benefits to which she is entitled. If they are too ill to take care of themselves, some elderly people are eligible for government benefits. Due to my assistance, my neighbor who suffered a stroke a year ago now gets a payment to help with her medical expenses. This means I don’t have to worry about her having a tidy home or being taken care of.
Talk to your family members and ask them for help if you are unable to hire a caregiver to come by frequently. Not necessarily physically. Perhaps a sibling who resides abroad but is able to contribute financially? Ask her neighbors if they get along with her, if they’d be willing to keep an eye on her or even take a spare key in case of an emergency.
Check for Dementia
The need for constant attention is frequently brought on by mental decline. Your mother might not be aware that she is asking for more of your time. We worry and get confused because our memory gets shakier as we age.
Additionally, your mother could have dementia. The need for constant reassurance and reminders, as well as clingy behavior, are common symptoms of dementia.
“A senior with memory problems may also repeatedly ask for attention and assurance because they are unable to recall that these needs have already been met by their caregiver.” Sheri Samotin, Ageing Care
It can be annoying when your elderly mother keeps repeating herself. To give your mother a reliable visual reference, try marking off the days you will be there on a calendar. A regular call or visit could also be scheduled for one day per week.
Stick to Boundaries
Naturally, some aging mothers will manipulate you by demanding your attention nonstop. Your best course of action in this situation is to move on with your life, set clear boundaries, and ignore the situation.
Don’t let guilt force you to visit your aging mother. Avoid using gaslighting tactics like pitting siblings against one another. Your aging mother will be aware of how to manipulate people to feel sympathetic and pay attention to her.
Final Thoughts
If you don’t talk to your elderly mother, you won’t know what she needs or what is best for her. It’s possible that she feels neglected and undervalued because you’ve been preoccupied with work or family. She would only need to catch up once a week to feel connected once more. Or perhaps she’d like to occasionally visit the grandchildren.
When seniors are given options and control over their lives, they fare better. Therefore, if your elderly mother demands constant attention, find out how you can satisfy her needs.
