In reality, seniors truly can be manipulative. Some of them might have always behaved that way, whereas others might have picked up the habit later in life.
Even worse, taking a strict stance while providing care may at times be necessary. Some elderly people might refuse to eat, while others might be unresponsive to assistance of any kind. It’s not always a good idea to back off, particularly if the senior poses a risk to themselves or others.
Therefore, rather than just ignoring the pattern, it’s essential to comprehend why this occurs and how to react to it. If you don’t, you might discover that things just keep getting worse.
What does a Manipulative Parent Looks Like?
Let’s talk about controlling and manipulative parents before we move on. What do we mean?
There is a wide range of behavior going on here. You might have experienced some or all of the following examples:
- Guilt tripping. It might be thought that you aren’t doing enough for them, that you don’t care about them, or that you are being selfish.
- Gossip. A family member might be kind to you on the outside but gossip about you to their friends or other family members.
- Control. Regardless of what is realistic or practical, your loved one might insist on having everything done a certain way.
- Complaints. A manipulative or unreasonable parent will frequently gripe about their relatives. It frequently seems as though nothing you do will satisfy them and that everything you do as a child is wrong.
- Easily upset. Your relative may occasionally become upset over anything. As you might end up going to great lengths to ensure that everything is ideal, this could also be used as a manipulative strategy.
Why Do Elderly Parents Manipulate?
For the purposes of this section, we’ll focus on situations in which elderly parents are being manipulative because of a particular circumstance. For the time being, we’re ignoring situations in which the senior’s personality includes manipulation.
It might, in some cases, be an effort to regain control over a situation over which they have lost control. Similar to this, some parents’ natural tendency to be overbearing (especially if they are narcissistic) can intensify as they age.
Control and Power
The ability to manage one’s own life and body typically declines as people get older. For instance, they might experience problems with incontinence, mobility, and driving.
It can be frightening and stressful to experience a loss of control over one’s life. As a result, some seniors become hostile. Those who are assisting them frequently take the brunt of such responses.
These kinds of problems can lead to circumstances where your parents feel resentful or helpless. They might even think that you are deliberately robbing them of their authority.
They might try to regain that control by being manipulative or controlling. Such behavior may be more likely if the senior feels like they cannot talk to you and find a middle ground.
Health Problems
Those who are elderly and have certain health issues may not even be attempting to manipulate them.
Memory loss is a common issue that can occur alone or in conjunction with other medical conditions like dementia. Seniors frequently struggle to remember important details as a result of this. As a result, they frequently break their word or contradict themselves.
Such problems can occasionally seem intentional due to their timing or frequency. Most of the time, it’s difficult to accept that your family member truly forgot. This is especially important when there are unidentified challenges or when the senior hasn’t received a formal diagnosis.
6 Signs Indicate Manipulative Elderly Parents
Power Struggles
Elderly parents who are manipulative are accustomed to being in charge. They have had the ultimate say in everything you do since your birth and find it very hard to surrender control of your life over to you.
Everyone who is involved in a power struggle may find it to be painful. This could take the form of possessive behavior, attempts to control every aspect of your daily life, or even attempts to coerce you into making significant decisions based solely on their opinion. Trying to wield power over you is a key sign of manipulative elderly parents.
Guilt Trips
When your parents get older and require assistance with fundamental life skills, you might feel a sense of nurturing responsibility towards them. Although many elderly people are perfectly capable of maintaining their independence well into old age, not all elderly people are ill or frail.
Manipulative elderly parents are adept at using their age as a way to make their children feel guilty and using this guilt as pressure to get their way. There is a good chance that, for instance, if your shrewd elderly mother does not want you to attend a party, she will choose that day to be extremely lonely, gripe about how infrequently you visit her, or find another way to make you feel bad enough to cancel all other plans.
Unwarranted Advice
We frequently seek guidance from or support from our parents when we are in need. However, manipulative elderly parents will attempt to maintain their dominance in the household by giving out advice—often in a harsh manner—when no one has asked for it.
While advice is frequently well-meaning and well-intended, it may be quite the opposite when coming from a manipulative elderly parent as a way of demonstrating their superior wisdom.
Driving Success
Virtually all parents want their child or children to be successful. The desire for success is typically very healthy, but in toxic parents, it will never be realized. When you become an adult, you probably won’t stop feeling inadequate or unworthy if your parents have consistently done so.
Toxic elderly parents will never feel that you have succeeded, no matter your family life, personal health, career, or income. Continuous pressure to perform better is a sign of elderly parents who are manipulative.
Variable Frailty
One of the most common signs of manipulative elderly parents is using their age as a guilt trip, as explored above. This can progress into variable frailty, in which a parent who initially appears healthy will suddenly feel ill or unsafe whenever they are faced with an opportunity to gain the upper hand.
This can change in an instant, and once they get their way, your elderly parent is very likely to become healthy once more.
Verbal Abuse
Abuse from an elderly parent could occasionally be brought on by a disease or condition. However, a manipulative elderly parent may feign being infirm or use their age as an excuse for inappropriate and hurtful behavior.
The consequences of abusive language or behavior are limited, and knowing that you will always feel guilty if you leave them can make you the target of their resentment.
How to Handle Manipulative Parents?
Setting Boundaries
The majority of family caregivers are unsure of how to handle this unreasonable behavior. Setting boundaries is crucial, regardless of the underlying reason for a loved one’s demanding behavior. This involves differentiating between negativity that is “excusable” because of the circumstances and controlling behavior that is unreasonable and unhealthy for everyone involved. Although it can be challenging, consistency is crucial when setting boundaries.
By deciding what you will and will not put up with, you can keep your mental and physical health and force your loved one to cooperate with their care plan and the people who carry it out. Learning to “detach with love” will enable you remain dedicated to your rules. Caregiver insight into a loved one’s behaviors and coping skills can both be gained through one-on-one counseling.
Balancing Control
Think about your actions and assess whether you are exerting more control than is necessary. Since it is the most effective course of action, many caregivers make the error of taking over even when it is unnecessary. You might want to take a step back if that’s the case. It can be annoying to wait for Mom to choose her own clothes in the morning or for Dad to choose what he wants to eat for dinner, but it’s important to give them the freedom to make decisions regarding whatever their abilities permit. You can create a much more peaceful caregiving relationship by balancing a loved one’s safety with their desire to be involved in life decisions.
Rethink to Care for Your Parents
If efforts to understand and establish boundaries are unsuccessful, it might be time to scale back your caregiving. Compassion fatigue, depression, and even retaliatory abuse can develop if a toxic environment is allowed to continue. Fortunately, there are solutions that can relieve some of the stress associated with providing care for a loved one while still ensuring that they receive the help they require.
The best way for caregivers to keep themselves away from harmful behavior is to hire qualified in-home caregivers, put your loved one in adult day care, or put them in a senior living facility. Each of these long-term care options can be tailored to a senior’s requirements and can be as involved with the caregiving as the caregiver desires, depending on their level of involvement.
Summary
If your manipulative elderly parents need care or assistance, decide what you can and cannot handle. Consider hiring a care agency, a home visitor, or a community service to help ease the burden if their needs are greater than what you can handle.
